Secrets versus surprises: how to explain the difference to a child
Simple words and a playful practice activity to help children know what they can always tell.
A surprise has a sharing day.
A birthday card tucked away until Saturday is a surprise. Asking a child to hide something that happened to them is different. Our song “No Secrets from Mom” gives families a way to begin that conversation: surprises are shared in the end, while secrets should not stand between a child and someone who can help.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends helping children distinguish harmless surprises from secrets they should tell a trusted adult about. It also emphasizes that children should know they will not be in trouble for telling.
Further reading: American Academy of Pediatrics: Preventing Child Sexual Abuse ↗ (opens in a new tab)
Make telling more important than getting the label right.
A child does not need to decide whether something counts as a secret before asking for help. Try adding: “Even if someone calls it a game, a gift, or a surprise, you can tell me. If you’re unsure, we can talk about it together.”
When you use our song, name the adults in your child’s own life. “Mom” can open a conversation about a dad, grandparent, caregiver, teacher, or another trusted grown-up. The message is that a child has somewhere to turn.
A teddy bear has a question.
Use a toy to tell two short, made-up stories. In the first, Teddy is drawing a birthday card to give a friend tomorrow. In the second, someone asks Teddy never to tell a grown-up about a game they played.
Ask: “When will the card be shared?” Then: “Who could Teddy talk to about the game?” Let your child help Teddy practice saying, “I need to tell you something.” Keep the focus on finding help, rather than testing whether your child gives a perfect answer.
Keep the conversation small and familiar.
For younger children, try one example and one sentence. With older children, talk about what Teddy could do if the first adult were unavailable. These are suggestions for using the song, not a test a child needs to pass.
In a classroom, use fictional characters and let children pass. Do not ask them to share personal secrets with the group.
If a child tells you something real
Pause the activity and listen calmly. Reassure the child that telling was the right thing to do and that abuse is never their fault. Explain that you will seek help to keep them safe. NSPCC provides guidance on responding and getting appropriate support.
Further reading: NSPCC: What to do if a child reveals abuse ↗ (opens in a new tab)
These are GGA conversation and activity ideas, informed by the linked guidance. They are not a substitute for professional safeguarding support. Adults remain responsible for protecting children.